You have seen so much of the twisted charismatic that now you can hardly bear to hear the name Jesus. Pity, that imbalance, presumption and wishful thinking seen in others should cause you to doubt the Greatest Friend and Hope.
If only you could separate Him from the misrepresentation and confusion. You have told me that you will not pour yourself into the mould and terms of reference of others who claim the one Way, the one Truth, the one Life. Rather you expect Him to provide you with your own revelation. That is quite proper Friend. Only move yourself to ASK. You must ask, seek, knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
You say that you have heard so much Bible talk and insistence upon signs and wonders and the imminent Second Coming, that the Good Book is now a closed book.
Do this for me, would you? For you, most importantly. Allow the historian and physician Luke to speak into your life. Boldly and expectantly read his Gospel and the Acts of Apostles. For the time being, just Luke. As you progress, take whatever time seems right and manageable. Pray in all sincerity for some personal revelation and threshold into the Greatest Story Ever Told. You will not be left disappointed. You will be changed. You will see light cast upon one of the greatest promises ever recorded in the English language:
“Delight yourself also in the Lord; and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37: 4 )
But there must also be a warning, and I give it in the way of a brief parable:
A peasant was talking over the back fence to his neighbour, “Wife and I were at market yesterday and saw her cousin from two shires over. He said that he had enjoyed a brief visit with the King, and it had not been all that bad. We talked this over on our way home. She really wants this. I guess I could cooperate…But he knows where I live, and presently I am very busy with the crops and all. He will have to come here wearing something appropriate to meet me in my field, and share my lunch at regular hour. If he is really all that good he will oblige, like any other decent neighbour.”
The King never came.