Adjusted and More Finely Tuned

The four weeks were over. Anti-psychotic medication increased. Group therapy sessions having proved enlightening. Diagnosis confirmed – paranoid schizophrenic. Hilary was being released back into my care, with a host of out-patient opportunities to be explored. Much different than back in 2005.

I was carrying her bags out into the parking lot. I was crying softly. And not about my wife being released to the fresh air in time for Mother’s Day. It was all about my self-pity. Yeah think about her best interests. Suppress the negatives of 4 weeks ago. Let’s be positive. There are new opportunities. Pace yourselves…And you Care-giver, buck up.

Thankfully that crap in me did not continue for long. I am emotionally weak. It hurts to be told that the sickness never goes away; can only be treated and monitored. Now about 14 years of it with the suspicions, accusations and arguments about what is logical.

But already I have seen a change. A willingness to try being out in public. A curious examination of some interest groups. A delightful special breakfast yesterday with our daughter Lauren. Hopeful phone calls from our son Jordan in Montreal.

I am reminded of some of my own words not too long ago to an acquaintance, “God is delighted when we ask large issues of Him”.

Is this a betrayal of my wife’s stigma? She doesn’t read much of my stuff anyway. No this is stated about an illness; not about culpability. There is much that I have handled poorly. In many respects mental illness is still a mystifying swamp. Some laugh. Some run. Some just get very quiet in its presence.

In September Hilary and I will celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. As the Canticler said “my sister, my spouse, my watered garden”.


One thought on “Adjusted and More Finely Tuned

  1. Much love to you both, Happy Mother’s day to Hilary!
    God’s Blessings.
    “This is the day the Lord has made let us rejoice and be glad in it.
    Much Love Anthony and Jody:)

    (can’t help thinking silverwind sounds very much like Abba)

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